Maybe you were betrayed by a friend who shared your secrets, a partner who broke a promise, an absent parent.
Athena Care counselor, Myriam Fareau, LPC-MHSP talks more about what betrayal is, why it hurts so much and what you can do about it.
The Blast from the Past
Have you ever had one of those days where you just woke up on the right side of the bed? The air smells fresher, the coffee tastes just a little sweeter, the sun shines a tad bit brighter. It’s one of those days where for no reason, everything feels just right. It’s a good day. Then you look at your phone. “OH NO! NO! NO! NO!” Your pulse begins to spike and bile forms in your throat.
The text is simple: “Hey.” You think to yourself, “Hey?” Is this an accident? Is it intentional? Your mind is reeling, wondering why they are texting you. How can a simple “Hey” be so disarming? Your good day has been ruined. They are back. The blast from the past. Like a thief in the night, unassuming, yet deadly. Coming to rob you of your peace. You didn’t ask for it, you didn’t want it, but the damage is done. That is how it sometimes feels when someone who has betrayed you walks back into your life. You thought you had dealt with these emotions. You thought they couldn’t affect you anymore. You did try to forgive them. You ghosted them, blocked them, and even stopped talking to them. But somehow, they still found a way to saunter back into your life. You are sad, angry, hurt, and now you are spiraling. Feeling like the last four years of journaling, building boundaries, and recovery meant nothing.
What Is Betrayal?
Betrayal is when we expect something from someone or believe something of someone, and they do the exact opposite. Every relationship has an unspoken agreement. We expect our parents to love us unconditionally. We expect our family to support us. We expect our partners to be loyal. We expect our boss to be respectful. If those relational expectations break, we feel betrayed. There are different types of betrayals. The amount of hurt we feel is proportionate to the amount of emotional investment and attachment we cultivate. The more we invest, expect, care, and give, the more it hurts. A politician hurts our feelings; a parent harms our foundation. Betrayal is not just an act; it is the collapse of what you believe to be true. When someone we trust betrays us, the sting reaches far beyond the moment itself.
Why Does It Hurt?
Betrayal hurts so terribly because it attacks our self-worth, our core issues, and our security. When we feel betrayed, we often start questioning ourselves, our worthiness, our importance. Are we worth loving? Do we matter? If only we were better. What have we done to deserve this? This happened because we are not good enough; if we were, why would they betray us?
In addition, when we have unresolved relationship traumas, the betrayal reinforces our.negative beliefs about the self (core beliefs). Often, there is that little not-so-kind voice that comes out and says, I knew it, you always mess everything up. You are never going to be good enough. People just don’t like you. Why do you even try? In Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, love and belonging sit at the center of the pyramid. His theory explains that we need connection. We need secure attachments and intimacy. We need supportive people in our lives for self-actualization. When emotional safety is betrayed, it attacks our sense of security. Betrayal does not just threaten our safety. It makes us question who we are. Betrayal is not just what happened, but what breaks.
What Now?
What do we do after we are made crippled by a ‘Hey’?” Here are a few steps to survive the aftermath:
Forgive Yourself.
No matter what happens, even though we know we didn’t do anything wrong, there is a little part of ourselves that thinks it’s our fault. There is nothing wrong with expecting someone to keep their word, their promise, and the unspoken agreement of their respect, trust, and loyalty. You did nothing wrong by expecting good things. Again, forgive yourself, you did nothing wrong. You did not make them betray you.
Forgive them….Maybe.
The honest truth: Pop literature says forgiving someone is the key to moving on. But what if you can’t? Are you doomed to feel this way forever? The unpopular truth: Once you examine and heal the negative core beliefs that betrayal re-awakens (the proverbial pouring of salt into old wounds), the person who caused the hurt loses their emotional hold on you. Their significance gradually fades.
Closure.
Some of us need to slash a tire or two, leave an angry message, or get a detailed explanation of why this person did what they did. The data shows that there is never a good enough reason to be betrayed. Does understanding why it happened help? Sometimes. Maybe. But more often than not, the explanation does not justify the betrayal. It’s never good enough. The hurt remains. It is best to do the work within the self and save the time and trouble of having to go through the emotional rollercoaster of seeking closure through another person.
Be Patient.
Sometimes letting go takes time. Unfortunately, like a broken bone, wishing it to heal faster will not speed up recovery. It will take as long as it takes. After all, the heart is still an organ. Be patient with yourself.
Rebuilding the Relationship.
Sometimes that is possible, sometimes that is not possible. It is sometimes easier to walk away from a friend than a parent. Again, take your time and be patient. Be aware that even though you forgive yourself and the situation, it does not mean there will not be any emotional reaction to the person.
No matter what the outcome, we need to ask the hard question: Will building a relationship with this person cause me harm? Letting go and forgiving yourself and the situation does not mean you need to be friends with this person. We can lovingly let the past stay in the past. However, if we do decide to keep this person in our lives, we need to also ask, in what capacity will I keep them in my life? You will always have to readjust your expectations to protect your heart. The next question becomes: What expectations do I need to readjust to keep them in my life?
To quote Dr Suzanne Degges-Whited: “Friendship requires reciprocity of admiration, respect, trust, and emotional and instrumental support.” Will they be an intimate friend or a friendly acquaintance? No matter what you decide, be patient! Healing takes time, the spiraling simply means you cared deeply. They were lucky to have been loved by you.
If any of the above resonated with you or someone you love, reach out to Athena Care so we can help. You can contact us by filling out this short form or call/text us at +1 877-641-1155 or email [email protected].
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Myriam Fareau, LPC-MHSP
Counselor
Myriam has worked in a variety of roles, providing therapy and counseling to individuals, couples, families, and groups and seeing clients across the lifespan, from children to older adults. She has helped clients struggling with general mental health issues, relationship issues, trauma, disabilities and substance use.
Meg Stein, CFP
Editor
Meg is a certified mindfulness instructor and works at Alive and Aware Practice in Durham, NC. She has over ten years of experience as a content creator and marketing consultant, working in mental healthcare and social justice.